by Sue Moroney, RN
Although the holiday season brings joy to many, it may bring added stress and sadness for a family supporting a loved one with dementia. Remembering how the holidays were celebrated in the past often causes the caregiver to feel mixed emotions. Familiar songs, decorations, and traditions stimulate memories of how the person used to enjoy the holidays and can highlight the changes in ability and the increasing memory loss of the person living with dementia. Holiday traditions and activities that your loved one once cherished may be impossible now. Remembering how the person used to be causes grief because their loved one is not the same anymore. It is common to yearn for the way things used to be celebrated.
Grief refers to the feelings of loss and sorrow that caregivers and other family members may feel during the holidays as they realize the person they once knew has changed so much. Grief and loss are difficult emotions to cope with, and this often comes in waves or stages. A song comes on the radio, a friend mentions something from the past, and you suddenly are dealing with the sadness and loss all over again. Anger at the situation, guilt, and frustration are also common emotions, especially during the holidays.
Some of the losses your loved one may be experiencing include:
- No longer remembering the names of family members or close friends. Sometimes, they may get confused about the relationship and think their son is their father. Introduce everyone as they arrive, “Mom, this is Ted, your son who lives in Chicago now.”
- The person living with dementia may no longer be able to carry on a conversation or may get lost in the middle of a sentence or thought. Do not ask direct questions that require the ability to remember. For example, “ Dad, I remember when we used to go out in the woods and cut down our Christmas tree and bring it home to decorate.”
- Changes in behaviors as dementia progress. Explain to everyone coming to celebrate the holidays what to expect. The person living with dementia may get up from the table before the meal is finished, take food off of another guest’s plate, make inappropriate comments, or get tired and fall asleep.
This year, the traditions once enjoyed may be too overwhelming for the person living with dementia and for the caregiver. It can bring joy to the holidays by acknowledging the changes and planning new traditions. Some things to consider for the holidays:
- Set realistic expectations for yourself as the primary caregiver. Adapt celebrations to the current situation, knowing that the holidays will be different this year.
- Make self-care a priority by accepting help from others. In the past, you may have enjoyed doing all of the cooking and baking, shopping, and decorating yourself. Now it is time to let others take over some of the tasks. This allows you time to spend with the person living with dementia and to rest.
- Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel the losses and sadness without judgment. Take time to reflect on what is most important about the holiday, and include these traditions in your celebrations.
- Create new traditions that are the most special for you and your family. Focus on the current situation and cherish the positive moments and connection with your loved one.
- Make time for fun activities with the person living with dementia. Work together to do holiday baking or look at holiday cards or old photographs. Any activity that helps you relax and enjoy your loved one is important. Music is a wonderful way to share memories. I remember one client with Alzheimer’s disease who could not tell you she had breakfast a half hour ago but could play over 100 songs on the piano without any sheet music and knew every word to the songs.
- Seek support from support groups or other caregivers who understand what you are going through.
- If the person living with dementia is now living in an assisted living facility or nursing home, plan to visit and celebrate the holiday on another day of the week. This will allow you to spend the holiday with other family and friends.
This year will be different, but by planning and thinking about what traditions are most important to you and your family, you can bring joy back into the holidays and cherish these moments.
